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The personal site of Jamie Knight, an autistic web developer, speaker and mountain biker who is never seen far from his plush sidekick Lion. View the Archive

Topics: Autism Development

Staying Positive.

I’m a very black and white thinker. Normally I am either feeling good or bad, obsessed or depressed. This is apparently an autism thing but the reason is not really important.

Being black and white introduces a whole ton of issues, the longer I have been employed the longer it has bothered me. The excited optimistic feelings have mostly gone away to be replaced by the expectation of arguments and certain frustration. I have good days and bad days.

The problem is this becomes self fulfilling. The more down on something I am the more likely it is to go wrong. What’s more I can see how it flows through the whole team. If the people above me believe something is flawed or if I present something as flawed to my peers the whole situation gets worse. Someone has to be positive and excited.

I can see entirely why people become down and unoptimistic, but I think for me it seems far more powerful. Whereas many people ‘care less’ or ‘let it go’ I attempt to stop caring and only frustrate myself further.

So, to the point. Accepting which things I cannot change is something I just have to learn to do. To decide how much I care about the battles. I have opinions and beliefs, the trick is in how and when to express them.

As a black and white thinker that makes me want to rebel. To simply say no and if that results in me being fired so be it. The line of thought is that by making a stand I don’t have to deal with grey and I can always say I felt as though I was being honest to what I think.

I’m not sure though. Yes. I could make a stupid stand, get angry and leave. Hell if I really wanted I could fuck up my career big time and let the anger and frustration flow out in one big mess. However that is pointless. Nothing would change.

When I reflect on why I am frustrated and angry it’s because I don’t feel all that positive. By feeling down every time something happens I get worse. Positivity becomes a lost cause.

So, before I do something two stupid I’m going to make a very specific aim to be altogether far more positive. To look at things with optimism and to give it a bash. I won’t be perfect (or even good!) but perhaps I will learn something.

I’m still learning these things. I’m still figuring this stuff out, hopefully writing about it will help others or help me to chart my progress.

Published: 10 February 2013 Permalink

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